Sunday, November 2, 2008

Miscarriage #1

Almost 2 years later the time came again (Jan 2007)....

I had the routine of always counting my days down before my period was due again.... watching for additional signs outside of my normal PMS 26, 27, 28 (huh? no period??), 29 - off to buy the stick - I am never a day late!!! I remember the day, at breakfast with 4 of my girlfriends - of the 4, my best friend sat to the right of me who at the time was 6 weeks pregnant, and my cousin to the left of me who had recently aborted her pregnancy because she was not ready to have a child. I was saying that I was a day late and maybe and hopefully I was pregnant - they were all so excited for me and made sure I called them all once I went home to take the test. I anxiously left the restaurant, went to buy the pregnancy test and rushed home. After a tinkle on the stick and a couple minutes later the test read POSITIVE!!! The rush of joy consumed me - this was it, I was going to have a baby! My husband came home, I had wrapped the stick in Christmas wrapping paper, as Christmas was a couple weeks before. The smile he had stretched from ear to ear!

I immediately called my breakfast buddies, family and friends - all shared the joy with me! As soon as all calls were made, i immediately went online to once again register on all the baby websites and started reading through the pregnancy book I had bought 2 years prior with the first pregnancy. The next day, I made the appointment with the doctor. He made a joke saying I didn't waste any time in making the appointment - most people don't even know they are pregnant until a month or two after...The nurse did another test to confirm the pregnancy and I was in fact pregnant. I was given the pre-natal vitamins, said I was about 5 weeks according to my last period, and to come back when I was 8 weeks so they can attempt to do an ultra sound to see if they could see the sac.

Off I went feeling so warm and fuzzy everyday. I would constantly watch for warning signs since I had the ectopic 2 years before. So far so good. Stopped drinking coffee, changed my diet to benefit the little seed inside me - I wanted to do everything perfect. Two weeks later I started to cramp, it felt like my period was coming. I had read that the uterus stretching could cause cramping. I went to the bathroom, wiped and there was pink on the tissue. My heart stopped and immediately I knew something was not right. I know that spotting can be a normal thing throughout pregnancy - but I knew in my gut that wasn't the case. Since it was a Sunday, no Dr. to call or go see so my next best thing is the Internet. I got online seeking info on what I may be experiencing. The cramps are still there, and after wiping again the pink was now red. In my reading the cramping and dark red could and most likely represents danger/miscarriage. Every 3 minutes I would go wipe, hoping it would go away....but with every wipe, the red got deeper in color and clots began to appear. Suddenly drops were just falling into the toilet. I yelled for my husband to come in the bathroom and showed him what was going on - I could see his heart breaking, so worried and concerned. Hiding behind his fear, he continued to try to comfort me and tell me it was going to be okay. I went to lay down with my broken heart and tears - I knew my dream of having a baby was vanishing once again....

Monday morning I went to the doctor, by this time I was wearing a pad for the amount of blood and clots escaping me. Doctor confirmed that yes, I was miscarrying and it would be best to do a DNC the next day to make sure I did not get an infection. He tried his best to console me, letting me know how common miscarriage is, and the reasoning behind it. As much as I understood it did not take my broken heart away.

Next day I went and had the DNC - I prayed for healing and faith ...I know that God has a reason for everything and I would be blessed in HIS timing despite the fact that I wanted it so bad in my timing.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Beginning...Ectopic Pregnancy

Since I was a little girl all I have ever wanted was a baby I could call my own....Growing up I thought it would be so easy to make that dream come true...Reality proved different.

At age 17, un-married and with the boyfriend who would not be my husband I became pregnant. Being young, immature, and scared of what my parents would say - I took the what seemed to be the "right at that time route "- abortion. Now 13 years later, it saddens me that, that could have been my only chance in a successful pregnancy.

I have been married going on 7 years. 3 years into marriage is where this baby making journey begins. I believe most women longing to get pregnant, begin to closely watch for signs every month to see if this could be it! Well for me, that is the case. I pay close attention to everything - am i a little more tired, are my boobs a little more sore, am i having more headaches, am I a little more hungry, am i a little more emotional, is that the possible pregnancy glow...So hopeful every month - I think I began to imagine that I was a little more of it all.

In 2005 I conceived. My conception was exciting...I didn't wait 5 seconds after the pregnancy test turned positive to make my first pre-natal appointment.
The doctor confirmed yes, i was pregnant!! They took my HCG levels and told me the next day they were very low - most likely due to the fact that I was very early. In the next days I had created accounts on probably every baby website, and went and bought several pregnancy books. They have the rule - wait 3 months to tell everyone - but I couldn't wait that long! All friends, family and co-workers were told of my exciting news. A week or so after, I begin seeing spots when I would go to the bathroom and would wipe. They started off pink and gradually ended up deep red. I remembered reading that spotting during pregnancy could be normal, but that deep dark red could be a dangerous sign. Without hesitation, I went into the doctor to get checked out. They told me that was normal, and again took my HCG levels. They called me a day or so later, and the levels were still low. The spotting continued, and I knew in my gut something was wrong. I returned to the doctor again - and again they said, it was normal and not to worry and it would be too early to do an ultrasound - I had to wait until my HCG level reached over 1,000. Unsatisfied with the doctors certainty - I phoned another doctor at UCLA.

The first thing the new Dr. did was give me the ultrasound the other said it was too early to do. She found that I was pregnant in my right fallopian tube - ectopic pregnancy.
She gave me the Methotrexate shot to pass the tubal pregnancy mass/clot so that I could miscarry. I went in every two days to give blood, so they could monitor the HCG levels until they reached zero. At the time I was diagnosed with ectopic - my numbers were at 9,000. 2 weeks later I had got to 150. March 15, 2005 at 6am, I woke up in the worst pain in the world. Home alone, unable to move an inch, balled up, light headed and throwing up - I called 911. My mother had to come open the door for the ambulance men as I was stuck in my bed. It took them 10 min to lift me off the bed on to the gerny. The pain was so intense in my abdomen...on the ride to ER they asked me a million questions. I kept saying I think it is just gas - trapped gas....I let them know of the ectopic pregnancy, but that it could not be that because I had already done something about it. Hooked up to IV, they began running tests and gave me a nice dose of medicine to ease the pain. When it was time for me to walk to the next room, I stood up and my blood pressure dropped tremendously- I was on my way to blacking out! The nurse said I don't think trapped gas would make your blood pressure drop. She did an ultrasound and found a mass/clot. The Dr. believed it was part of the ectopic that did not pass with the rest of it....they would need to do laporoscopy surgery to take a closer look. Last I knew I was rushed into the big white surgery room with numerous doctors and nurses around me leaving me with "everything will be okay" before the sleepy mask was put on my face and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 I was out.

Waking up I was surrounded by curtains and my husband leaning over me asking me how i felt. I was still in the pain i remembered. The nurse came in to let me know they had cut an incision in my right fallopian tube. The tube was on it's way to bursting - which would have lead to my death. Thank God I called 911. They told me my chances of getting pregnant again and having another ectopic pregnancy in that same tube was like a 9% chance. And if I did, they would have to remove the tube completely. After it all, the only emotions felt was sadness and discouragement...Why me? Was this my consequence for ridding of my 1st pregnancy at 17? A million thoughts ran thru my head daily....but I finally concluded, it was just not my time and that my time would come....I came to find more comfort in that my life was saved that day and that everything would be okay....We would try again...